[Man Thinking] Motherfucking cocksucker. Motherfucking shit fucker!
What am I doing? What am I doing?
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can.
I know that's all I can ask of myself.
But is that good enough? Is my work doing any good?
Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things?
The African guy's a sign, right? Because if he isn't...
then nothing in this world makes any sense to me.
I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit.
Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore.
Fucker. Fuck! Shit!
I'm glad we saved a piece of this marsh.
I know it's small, but at least it's something.
- [Camera Shutter Clicks] - Don't stop fighting.
We're going to save a lot more of this place.
To celebrate, I have a poem I'd like to read.
"Nobody sits like this rock sits.
"You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is.
You show us how to just sit here, and that's what we need."
Yeah, we did it.
- Any press come? - Yeah, local paper's here. What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just I have an appointment to check out this African guy.
- What African guy? - Exactly. What African guy?
Come on.
Hello. Albert Markovski. I have a 1::00 appointment.
Sorry, I'm late. This place is like a maze.
Have a seat. We'll be right with you.
Why don't you just tell me what your situation is.
Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do here, all right?
Well, we, uh... We'll investigate and solve your case.
- How? - If you sign a contract, we'll follow you.
- You'll spy? - Yes.
- On me? - Yes.
- Will you be spying on me in the bathroom? - Yes.
- In the bathroom? - Yes.
- Why? - There's nothing too small.
You know when police find the slightest bit of D.N.A. And build a case?
If we might see you... you floss or masturbate...
that could be the key to your entire reality.
- So I'm hiring you to spy on me. - That's right.
So we can figure out your situation and resolve your crisis.
In addition, my associate will approach your case from a different angle.
What do you mean a different angle? What does that mean?
Regarding your perception of reality. He'll tell you about that.
- Who sent you here? - Nobody. I found your card.
- Where? - In some fancy restaurant that I'd never been to before.
I didn't have the proper attire. So they let me borrow a suitjacket.
I reached into my pocket, and there was your card.
The weird thing is I always have a jacket.
- [Woman] But not that day? - No.
- Brad Stand. - Hey.
- Kind of a coincidence. - Yes, exactly. My case is a coincidence.
- About the restaurant and thejacket? - No, no. That-That's...
I'm talking about a big coincidence. It involves one man.
It's a three-parter. Okay. Ready?
[Inhales, Exhales] First part.
I went to a place called Schottinger's photo archives.
I was there getting stills of early Bob Dylan.
In comes this tall African guy. He's like 18 years old or something.
You know, he's in there getting photos of Morris Chestnut...
Shaquille O'Neal, jim Carrey.
He's an autograph hound. Kind of guy likes to get...
glossies of famous people and get them signed.
Two weeks later, I see the same African guy.
He's working as a doorman at my friend's building.
Oh, my God!
- Who's your friend? - Jay Wendorff. But it's not his apartment.
- It's his girlfriend's. - What's her name?
Uh, Kelly. Kelly Coulter. So, okay, that's two.
One time at Schottinger's photo archive...
second time as the doorman.
Third, I see this man, he's in a van at the mall.
- What are you doing at the mall? - I'm working.
- I'm making a statement for the open spaces. - [Horn Honking]
Yeah, he's back. You crazy bastard.
You don't plant no tree in this parking lot!
I gotta come take that tree, remove it and let traffic through.
You'rejust creatin' more work for me.
- They're not always meaningful. - Yeah, it's meaningful.
- Meaningful how? - That's what I want you to find out.
- About your life. - Yeah, about my life.
And about the whole thing. About the universe, you know? The big one.
I mean, should I keep doing what I'm doing? Is it hopeless?
Mr. Markovski, we see a lot of people in here...
who claim they want to know the ultimate truth about reality.
They want to peer under the surface at the big everything...
but this can be a very painful process full of surprises.
It can dismantle the world as you know it.
That's why most people prefer to remain on the surface of things.
Maybe you should go home. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Take it easy. What do you say?
I say don't give me the brush-off. Please.
I want to know. This is big.
- Have you ever transcended space and time? - Yes. No.
Uh, time not space. No, I don't know what you're talking about.
I take it you don't make very much money, Mr. Markovski.
Is that gonna be a problem? Are you expensive, what you do?
We have a sliding scale. Some of our clients pay $30 a week.
Some of our wealthy clients pay several thousand a week.
I can't believe you guys actually exist. How long have you been doing this?
- Seventeen years, 352 cases. - [Laughs] That's crazy.
I'm gonna have to ask you to please steer clear of my office...
because my work situation is a little shaky, all right?
You want us to stay away from your job?
Yeah. If you come snooping around my office...
it could make me look unstable and it could hurt me.
I want you to meet my colleague.
- Bernard? - Uh-huh.
- This is Mr. Markovski. - Hi.
- He's going to have to be pro bono. - Okay. Sounds good.
Thank you very much for taking on my case.
- Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. - Hold on.
- He hasn't signed a contract. - Let's do this and then we'll get to the contract.
- It's too much too soon. - It's always too much too soon. That's the nature of the beast.
- Approach, patience, finesse. - Will you stop?
- Come on. - We need to start with his specifics, Bernard.
We need to go past logic though. Come on. Let's go.
- Give me a kiss. Come on. - Okay.
Will you tell me where we're having dinner tonight?
- Korean barbecue. - Really?
Okay, let's get started.
Is this part of my investigation?
Yes. Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay?
You, me, everything.
Nothing has been left out, all right? All the particles, everything.
- What's outside this blanket? - More blankets. That's the point.
- Blanket's everything. - Exactly. This is everything.
Let's just say that this is me, all right?
And I'm, what, 60-odd years old and I'm wearing a gray suit.
Blah, blah, blah. And let's say over here, this is you.
And, you're... I don't know, you're 21. You got dark hair, etc.
And over here, this is Vivian, my wife and colleague.
Then over here, this is the Eiffel tower, right? It's Paris.
And this is a war. And this is, uh, a museum.
And this is a disease. And this is an orgasm.
And this is a hamburger.
- Everything is the same even if it's different. - Exactly.
But our everyday mind forgets this. We think everything is separate.
Limited. I'm over here. You're over there. Which is true.
But it's not the whole truth because we're all connected.
Because we... are connected.
- Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. - Okay?
- Yeah. - All right, now, we need to learn...
how to see the blanket truth all the time.
Right in the everyday stuff. And that's what this is for.
- Why? - Why what?
Why do I need to learn how to see the blanket thing all the time in the everyday stuff?
You wouldn't want to miss out on the big picture, would you?
- Uh-uh. - That's partly why you're here, right?
And this is it. I'm talking about it right now.
It will take a while for you to get it, you know?
- But... it will help you. - [Zipper Unzipping]
- How? - When you get the blanket thing you can relax...
because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.
- That sound pretty good? - That sounds very good.
- All right, get in. - You want me to get in?
- So, get in here? - Yeah.
- What's going to happen to me in there? - Oh, hey, you're gonna see.
You'll find out.
The purpose of this suit, Mr. Markovski, is to help shut down...
your everyday perceptions and give up your usual identity...
- that you think separates you from everything. - [Heart Beating]
This room, this street...
this town, this country, this economy...
this history, this planet.
Your body, your senses, yourjob.
Everything that you identify with.
Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.
We will fucking destroy you, deary.
- Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq. - [Girl Squeals]
Hey.
- Brad Stand. - Hey, how are you?
So what's the Open Spaces take on that?
Well, I think you guys can definitely rebuild in areas...
that are already run-down instead of tearing up new land.
- [Albert's Voice] New land. New land. - We're open to that.
That's who we are at Open Spaces. We can't throw that away.
We're not asking you to throw that away. I'm not gonna bullshit you, right?
Part of this is we took a beating in the press for all our growth.
Opening so many stores in such a short time.
So if we work with you and your Open Spaces Coalition...
is that gonna help the Huckabees image?
Yes. Does it help me? Yes.
Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely.
But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do.
[Woman Moaning]
Don't look at me. What's wrong with you?
Beat it, you little pussy.
- What's wrong with you? - Pussy. - You're an asshole.
- [Gasping] - How are you? Okay? You doing okay?
I thought you said that was going to relax me.
Eventually, but you have to practice at home. Okay?
You got a lot of layers in there, don't you? Huh? All right?
- Yeah. - Okay.
How am I supposed to practice at home? I don't have one of these.
It doesn't matter. What you can do... It...
Just use an eye mask or shut your eyes, okay?
Oh.
Oh.
Um, hi. What should I be doing?
Whatever you normally do.
[No Audible Dialogue Or Sound Effects]
[Machine Beeps]
[Woman] I wanted to thank you for what you did with the oak tree.
I played in that tree when I was little. I thought we had a chance...
- but they chopped it to pieces. - [Phone Ringing]
[Woman's Voice] Hi. I have some questions...
about power lines over the playground where my daughter goes to school.
Please call me. I'm Marjorie at 96...
- Hey, we got to talk, man. - Hey, what's going on? Where is everybody?
- Brad moved the meeting. - He what?
- To Huckabees corporate. - Listen. Okay. I want you to do this.
I want you to get me the national office on the phone right now.
Call Orrin Spence and tell him that Brad is trying to hijack my coalition.
- This should've gone to the other chapter a week ago. - I want those flyers...
- outta the parking lot. - It's a free country. The poems work.
- Oh, you are pissing people off. - Oh, no, I'm not.
- Yeah, you really are. You're pissing people... - No, I'm not.
If my poems had gone out with the Shania mailing, it'd be a different story.
You know what? You're not leading this coalition anymore.
- I am the coalition. I wrote the charter. - Uh-huh. Not for long.
- Tell him it's important. - I'm not going to any meeting at Huckabees.
- I can't get 'em. - Can you just keep trying? Just keep trying.
Orrin Spence. Brad cannot do this to us, all right?
- How can she get you out of the charter, man? - She can't!
This is my work situation, the one I was telling you about. It's a little...
I'll describe it later to you if we could just...
- Don't worry, Albert. We're gonna knock that meeting on its ass. - Copy these and get these out.
You're fighting suburban sprawl and this fellow, Brad Stand, and you have had a falling out.
Remember, I told you not to come by my work?
Oh, yes, I remember. Now, tell me, did the coalition inspire the poetry?
- Or did the poetry inspire the coalition? - This is looking weird.
- Can we schedule a time when you can come by? - This thread of your...
This has nothing to do with my coincidence. My coincidence has to do with an African man.
Viv! Viv! Mr. Corn is having a crisis. You better talk to him. Mr. Corn, crisis.
- Tommy, what is it? - I got a serious situation here.
- Tell me what's happening. - She wants to talk about my work situation.
- I want to know about my coincidences. - What's happening now?
This is what's happening now. She's spying...
- Talking about the blanket. - I don't want to do the blanket right now.
Like this.
Wait a minute. Whoa. What's going on?
I need facts, Bernard, to piece together a theory.
No time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?
- This isn't cool. - What? What?
Listen, you go visit Mr. Corn. His wife is leaving him.
I think I've got a really hot lead, Bernard.
Albert, the universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere...
and whose circumference is nowhere.
Well, how can the center be everywhere if...
- She just dove into the back of Angela's car. - You gotta keep using the method.
I gotta check on... on, uh, Mr. Corn right now, okay?
That method works. Don't forget to use it, all right?
Mmm. Mmm! Mm.
[Chattering]
[Man]Jimbo, everything on this lawn goes.
The microwave, the coffee grinder.
Baby! Baby, come on.
Don't do this, please.
Hey, don't do this.
- You don't need anyone. - That's not true. I need you guys.
If nothing matters, how can I matter?
I don't know if nothingness matters or somethingness matters.
I'm trying to figure that out and I want you to help me.
Somethingness, nothingness. You know what?
L-l-I... You figure it out. Let go! Let go of me!
Okay, uh, hold on now. Tell me what happened. Okay?
She won't stay and share this with me.
- T-Tell me what that is. - It's important to me. I see it so clearly.
- Yeah? - You use petroleum, you're a murderer. That's a fact.
- Yes, yes, yes. - Murderer. A murderer?
One... killin' the ozone and all the creatures that it's hurting?
- Calm down. - Two... killing Arabs in oil- producing dictatorships...
where everybody is poor... that is cruelty and it's inhumane.
- You've talked to me about this. - So if this world is temporary...
- Yeah. - Identity is an illusion...
- Yeah. - Then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you...
- No. It... - That's got me very confused.
No, it matters. It matters. It matters. Look, Tommy.
See, this is the universe. And that's our galaxy over here.
- What universe? - What universe? This. Tommy, come on.
Come on. There's dust and gas there.
- Yeah? - There's us over here...
and good and bad luck in the middle.
- That's chaos. That's my "B." - This doesn't sound like you.
- No, Vauban talks about space. - Where'd you get that book?
- You sent it to me. - No, no. We would never give you this book.
- You didn't send this? - Caterine Vauban's full of shit. What is she doing here?
God, she never leaves Paris. This is insane.
- This is a pretty good book. You should read this. - What?
She says nothing's connected, doesn't matter what you do...
you can drive a car, you can burn up gas...
- Yeah? - Which would explain the way things actually are...
where people do destructive things like it doesn't matter.
Tommy, Tommy, everything is connected and everything matters.
There's not an atom in our bodies...
that has not been forged in the furnace of the sun.
- Now, isn't that cool? Huh? - Yes.
- That's a cool thing, isn't it? - But...
But what? You tell me where she contradicts that.
- Oh, right here. - Where? Where?
- There... - Where?
"Less than 5% of the cosmos is composed of the same elements that compose human life."
- You know... - There you go. That means we're all alone...
and we're miserable and isolated.
Molly, if you... Listen. If you...
If you leave him before he gets done dismantling...
he will never make it to the other side, okay?
You know what? I'm done with the dismantling.
- You don't want to ask these questions? - No! I want to live my life!
What is that life, baby? What are we part of? Who are we?
Look at this. Do you know where these come from?
- Yeah, my closet. - Indonesia.
- The store. - Baby, this is the truth, okay?
Little girls like you, they have to work in dark factories...
where they go blind for $1.60 a month just to make Mommy her pretty shoes.
- Can you imagine that, Caitlin? - I don't want the children to work in factories!
Don't listen, honey. Daddy is crazy.
Daddy's not crazy, baby. The world is crazy.
- It's important to ask questions. - [Caitlin] Don't let them go blind!
Mommy doesn't ask 'cause Mommy doesn't care.
- Don't stop asking questions, baby. - Damn you!
- How dare you! - Skippy, put her in the car, will ya?
- "Less than 5% of the cosmos... - Give me the teddy!
Is composed of the same elements that compose human life."
- What does that matter? - You should be asking these questions, Skip.
Guys, give him a break. His therapist is down here to help him out.
Excuse me. What did you call me?
- You're his therapist? - No, I'm... not his therapist.
We need to talk 'cause this book is making a lot of sense to me and I want...
And what is Caterine Vauban doing in the United States?
What the hell are you talking about?
- [Laughter] - [Man] No, no, wait. This is really good.
[Laughing, Chattering]
[Brad] You think that's funny? I got a story for you.
- It's only four months old. - Wait. Wait. Listen. Listen. Listen to the master, all right?
I'm with Shania. We're opening a megastore down by the loop.
Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?
It's 4:00 and she's starving. So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches, no mayo.
- [Woman] Stop it! - [Laughter]
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Shania hates mayo, all right? And she can't eat chicken salad.
That's no joke, all right? We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo.
- She's vomiting all over the limo. - The lady hates chicken salad.
So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches. She still doesn't believe me.
I say, "Shania, I'm allergic to mayo."
- Which, by the way, is a lie. - He loves mayo! He loves it.
Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it.
So she eats one and a half sandwiches. One and a half sandwiches...
before she realizes... it's chicken salad.
- And she actually likes it. - She did not vomit.
He made her change her mind. And that's what they want upstairs in corporate, okay?
[Laughing Continues]
Excuse me? Can I help you?
- Shh. Shh. Shh. - [Woman] Excuse me?
Yes, I'm here for the Open Spaces meeting with Brad Stand.
Okay, well, then you are in the wrong area entirely. Come on.
- I'll show you where to go. - You're very, very helpful. Thanks a lot.
There's no reason for you to be up here. This is an executive private floor.
It's for... Come on. Let's pick it up. Heel to toe.
Unless you're an executive or an executive's assistant...
or someone who is a...
No. No, ma'am. Shania has no song for you. Let's move it along this way.
You're supposed to be on another floor. Security is very tight in this building.
Or at least I thought it was very tight in this building.
Of course, every now and then we get somebody...
who gets off on the wrong floor.
And then people flitting about...
At Huckabees, the everything store.
[Sighs] Let me try that one more time.
L... I... Okay.
Tops and mops. 50% off all women's shirts and hair products.
This week only. At Huckabees, the everything store.
[Man] Uh, Dawn, can we do it one more time?
I think we can do it better.
- I suck, Daryl. I really sucked. - You're doing great, Dawn.
- I can't do this. I can't do it. - Don't give me that face.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Your voice is the trademark voice of Huckabees.
Oh, there she is! You're one sneaky lady.
I was almost in the elevators. We're going now.
Let's move it along. There we go. I'll show you where you need to go.
[Thinking] Moved my meeting to the Huckabees corporation.
I saved this rock. I'm going to save this place.
They're not gonna save this place.
Rat-fucking-bastard Brad Stand.
Corporate prick bastard. Oh, motherfucking dickhead.
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