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雅思作文以“內(nèi)容”，“邏輯結(jié)構(gòu)”，“語(yǔ)法的準(zhǔn)確使用和范圍”以及“詞匯量”作為評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，我們要獲得雅思作文高分，就要以這四個(gè)方面作為準(zhǔn)備重點(diǎn)。來(lái)看看下面這篇雅思作文范文是怎么修改的吧。

雅思作文的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)包括四個(gè)方面：

Task Response

Coherence and Cohesion

Lexical Resource

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

雅思的4Gates就是其評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，分別為“內(nèi)容”，“邏輯結(jié)構(gòu)”，“語(yǔ)法的準(zhǔn)確使用和范圍”以及“詞匯量”四個(gè)標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。根據(jù)下面的全面修改案例，讀者可以清楚的看到一篇5.5分的雅思范文是如何在修改之前蛻變成為高分作品。

Cambridge 8 – Test 2

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.

In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?

Has this become a positive or negative development?

原文：

Nowadays the way people interact with each other has changed because of technology.

Yes, the technology has changed the people’s interaction in very enhanced manner. Earlier people use to wait and try to find easy way to contact their friends or relatives leaving far. In past there was no quick technology to contact or to establish any communication between one person to another person. The drawback with past communication systems was that it were very slow and were time taking process such as telegrams, letter etc. People used to afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their love ones due to insecure medium of communication. When it comes to professional level, the privacy and accuracy should be maintain but, to that time there were no secure communications.

Now the things have changed around, people from far distance contact their loves one in an easy and quick ways which improves the interaction level between two person. Quality the level of the interaction between people to people, has improved because the people are equipped with high-tec technology which enhances the communication. There are many many medium which are available now such as internet, called cards etc.

The technology has provided the mobility faster which help people to talk or to interact at any time anywhere in the world.

People can contact their friend or relatives any time they want. It has become so easier and feriendly to be in touch with your feriends, relatives even with the unknown people.

原文翻譯：

今天，由于科技的發(fā)展人們相互交流的方式也發(fā)生了變化。

是的。技術(shù)改善了人們的交流方式。以前人們總是期待找到方便的方法聯(lián)系居住在異地的親朋好友。以前沒有高效的技術(shù)幫助人們溝通交流。以往的通訊系統(tǒng)的問題是速度慢，費(fèi)時(shí)間，比如：電報(bào)和信件等。在過去，人們不敢給愛人寫一些私密的事情因?yàn)閾?dān)心通信不夠安全。專業(yè)的通信技術(shù)應(yīng)該是安全的、準(zhǔn)確的，但是在當(dāng)時(shí)根本沒有安全的通信可言。

現(xiàn)在，這些事情已經(jīng)改變了，住在遠(yuǎn)處的人們利用一種高效的方式聯(lián)系他們的愛人。這些方式改善了人們之間的交流方式。因?yàn)槿藗兪褂昧烁纳平涣鞯母呖萍迹运麄兘涣鞯姆绞揭呀?jīng)得到改善。現(xiàn)在有了很多這類媒體，比如：國(guó)際互聯(lián)網(wǎng)、語(yǔ)音卡等。

這些技術(shù)提供了更快的移動(dòng)性，幫助人們?cè)谌魏螘r(shí)間、世界上的任何地方與他人溝通。

現(xiàn)在人們能夠在任何時(shí)間聯(lián)系親朋好友。和朋友、家人以及陌生人的溝通變得更容易了。

（注：上述的習(xí)作存在語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤和表達(dá)錯(cuò)誤，因此對(duì)應(yīng)的翻譯也有一定出入。）

Sample Answer:

This is an answer written by a candidate who achieved a Band 5.5 score. Here is the examiner’s comment:

這是一位考生寫的5.5分作文。下面是考官的評(píng)語(yǔ)。

The topic introduction has been copied from the task and is deducted from the word count. This leaves the answer underlength at 236 words, so the candidate loses marks for this.

文章的開篇是從題目中抄來(lái)的，所以不能算字?jǐn)?shù)。剩下的只有236個(gè)字，考生因此失分。

This answer addresses both questions, but the first is not well covered in terms of how actual relationships have changed. Nevertheless, there is a clear opinion that the effects have been positive and relationships have improved, with some relevant ideas to support this. There is a general progression to the argument, with some effective use of time markers and linkers. There is also some repetition, however. Paragraphing is not always logical, and ideas are not always well linked. A range of vocabulary that is relevant to the topic is used, including some precise and natural expressions. There are quite a lot of mistakes in word form, word choice or spelling, but these do not usually reduce understanding. A variety of sentence type is used, but not always accurately. Errors in grammar and punctuation are distracting at times, but only rarely cause problems for the reader.

此文回答了兩個(gè)問題，但是在回答第一個(gè)問題時(shí)，并沒有充分討論問題中關(guān)于現(xiàn)實(shí)中的關(guān)系是如何變化的。但是，文章展示了清晰的觀點(diǎn)（這些影響都是好的，而且這些關(guān)系都有所改善）并配以相關(guān)的觀點(diǎn)支持。文章的論證循序漸進(jìn)，使用了很多表示時(shí)間的提示詞以及連接詞，但是個(gè)別有些重復(fù)。分段不夠邏輯，而且一些觀點(diǎn)沒有充分的關(guān)聯(lián)。使用了一些與主題相關(guān)的詞匯，包括準(zhǔn)確并自然的表達(dá)。雖然有一些詞性、詞義以及拼寫錯(cuò)誤，但是并不會(huì)太影響理解。使用了各種句型，但是很多不太準(zhǔn)。語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤和標(biāo)點(diǎn)錯(cuò)誤有時(shí)會(huì)干擾理解，但是不會(huì)給讀者產(chǎn)生太大的麻煩。

修改意見：

修改后：

Nowadays,.(It is true that technology has shifted people’s communicative ways. 利用It is true that的句式突出后面的事件；Change和shift是同義詞替換；the way people interact和communicative way是同義詞替換。這樣的變化可以避免引用題目中的原詞。)

（拒絕非正式的用法。）The technology has changed the people’s interaction in very enhanced manner. Earlier people used（前后時(shí)態(tài)必須一致。）to wait and try to find easy ways（名詞單復(fù)數(shù)）to contact their friends or relatives leaving far. In the past, there was no （詞匯使用不當(dāng)，應(yīng)該改成effective）technology to contact others or to establish any communication between two people. And（重要的連接詞，表示本句和上一句共同解釋為什么“人們一直在期待找到更有效的通訊方式。”）the drawback ofthe past communication systems was that they （指代不清，這里指代的是communication systems）were too （表示“太”。）slow and were time-consuming （表示“費(fèi)時(shí)”）, including （這是應(yīng)該使用分詞形式，表示對(duì)主句的communication ways的具體描述。）the telegrams, the letter etc. Not only that,（這里需要連接詞）people used to be afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their loved ones because of （because of 強(qiáng)調(diào)“外因”；due to 強(qiáng)調(diào)“根據(jù)”）information security （根據(jù)上下文理解，此處應(yīng)該表達(dá)的是“信息安全”）of communication. (They worried their letters might be stolen or read by some strangers.這里可以繼續(xù)描述人們的擔(dān)心。)

However，（上文主要討論過去的情況，而接下來(lái)將討論現(xiàn)在的變化）now the things have changed around.（必須避免使用“，”連接兩個(gè)句子。正確的處理方法是，要么采用斷句的方法，要么添加連詞。）People in a longdistance contact their lovesd one in (effective and efficient) ways, which improve（主謂一致，which代替ways。）the interaction level between two persons. Quality （用詞重復(fù)）of the interaction between people and people（主謂之間不能添加“，”。）has been improved（這里使用被動(dòng)是因?yàn)闇贤ㄙ|(zhì)量的提升是因?yàn)榧夹g(shù)的發(fā)展。）because theyare equipped with high-techdevices which enhances their communication. There are many（重復(fù)）mediummediaavailablesuch as internet, called cards etc.So the technology has provided better mobility , which help people to talk orkeep in touch with each other at any time anywhere in the world.（不應(yīng)該單獨(dú)成段，應(yīng)該和上一段結(jié)合在一起。）（本句應(yīng)該被刪除，因?yàn)闆]有提出任何新的觀點(diǎn)，并且與上文的句子非常重復(fù)。）

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