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I watch what I do to see what I really believe.

Belief and faith are not just words. It's one thing for me to say I'm a Christian, but I have to embody what it means; I have to live it. So, writing this essay and knowing I'll share it in a public way becomes an occasion for me to look deeply at what I really believe by how I act.

"Love your neighbor as yourself," Jesus said, and as a beginner nun I tried earnestly to love my neighbor — the children I taught, their parents, my fellow teachers, my fellow nuns. But for a long time, the circle of my loving care was small and, for the most part, included only white, middle-class people like me. But one day I woke up to Jesus' deeper challenge to love the outcast, the criminal, the underdog. So I packed my stuff and moved into a noisy, violent housing project in an African-American neighborhood in New Orleans.

I saw the suffering and I let myself feel it: the sound of gunshots in the night, mothers calling out for their children. I saw the injustice and was compelled to do something about it. I changed from being a nun who only prayed for the suffering world to a nun with my sleeves rolled up, living my prayer. Working in that community in New Orleans soon led me to Louisiana's death row.

So, I keep watching what I do to see what I actually believe.

Jesus' biggest challenge to us is to love our enemies. On death row, I encountered the enemy — those considered so irredeemable by our society that even our Supreme Court has made it legal to kill them. For 20 years now, I've been visiting people on death row, and I have accompanied six human beings to their deaths. As each has been killed, I have told them to look at me. I want them to see a loving face when they die. I want my face to carry the love that tells them that they and every one of us are worth more than our most terrible acts.

But I knew being with the perpetrators wasn't enough. I also had to reach out to victims' families. I visited the families who wanted to see me, and I founded a victims support group in New Orleans. It was a big stretch for me, loving both perpetrators and victims' families, and most of the time I fail because so often a victim's families interpret my care for perpetrators as choosing sides — the wrong side. I understand that, but I don't stop reaching out.

I've learned from victims' families just how alone many of them feel. The murder of their loved one is so horrible, their pain so great, that most people stay away. But they need people to visit, to listen, to care. It doesn't take anyone special, just someone who cares.

Writing this essay reminds me, as an ordinary person, that it's important to take stock, to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.

Independently produced for Weekend Edition Sunday by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with John Gregory and Viki Merrick.

我監(jiān)督自己的所做所為來確認(rèn)自己真正的信仰。

信仰并非只是口頭上的。宣稱自己是基督徒是一回事，但我還需要用行動來詮釋這一信仰。我必須實踐這個信仰。因此，撰寫這篇文章并與公眾一同分享這一點對我來說非常重要：監(jiān)督我自己的行為來更確認(rèn)我的信仰。

耶穌說“愛鄰如己”。 作為一個菜鳥修女我曾最大熱情的去愛我的鄰居們 —— 那些我教導(dǎo)的小孩，小孩的父母，我的老師們，我的修女同伴們。但是時間一長，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這個愛的圈子就變小了，并且其中的大部分都是與我相似的白人中產(chǎn)階級。直到一天我突然意識到耶穌信仰中的更大的挑戰(zhàn)：去愛那些被拋棄的人，罪犯，失敗者。因此我打點好行裝，搬進(jìn)在新奧爾良的一個非洲裔美國人社區(qū)。那里充滿了噪音和暴力犯罪。

我觸摸和體驗到了這里的苦難：那些同時在深夜里飄蕩著的槍聲和母親對孩子的呼喚。我看到了這里的種種不公，并不由自主的想做一點事情。我從一個僅僅為世間苦難祈禱的修女變成了一個卷起袖子去實現(xiàn)禱告的修女。在新奧爾良黑人社區(qū)的侍奉很快又帶領(lǐng)我去了路易斯安那州的死囚牢。

我一直通過監(jiān)督我的行為來確認(rèn)我的信仰。

耶穌給我們的最大挑戰(zhàn)是去愛我們的仇敵。在死囚牢，我遇到了這些敵人 —— 那些被社會認(rèn)為無可救藥的甚至被最高法院判處死刑的人。在過去的20年，我一直在探訪這些死刑犯，并陪伴了其中的六人的死刑。在他們被處死的時候，我告訴他們看著我。我想讓他們在死的時候看到一張充滿愛心的臉。我想通過我的臉傳遞給他們一個信息，那就是他們和我們每一個人都可以更有價值，比起我們過去可怕的罪孽。

我知道僅僅陪伴犯罪者是不夠的，我還需要把手伸向他們的家庭。我訪問了那些愿意接納我的家庭，在新奧爾良籌建了一個支持他們的組織。這對我來說是一個非常大的拓展——去愛罪犯以及他們的家人。大部分的時候我都失敗了，因為這些家庭往往認(rèn)為我對罪犯的關(guān)心是自討沒趣。我理解，但沒有放棄。

我了解到那些犯罪者的家屬是多么的孤獨。人們因為行兇者的可怕而遠(yuǎn)離了這些家庭。卻忽略了犯罪者親屬的痛苦也是巨大的。他們需要人們的探訪，傾聽和關(guān)心。這并不是特殊的人才可以做到的事情，愿意去關(guān)心的人都可以做到。

撰寫本文提醒了我，作為一個普通人，盤點一下自己在信仰中所處的位置是非常重要的。我所知道的確認(rèn)自己真正信仰的唯一方法就是監(jiān)督自己的所做所為。

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